what they call grace
by sinemoras09
Summary: The events of a single night. Nezumi/Shion. Angst. No spoilers.


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Nezumi hated rain, but like an idiot, Shion ran outside, shouting some stupid nonsense about lightning and storm clouds and _look, Nezumi! It's a cumulonimbus_, like he was some sort of goddamn meteorologist. Of course, the little dumbass nearly froze himself to death, and Nezumi was pissed at being dragged outside as well.

"Here, let me do it," Nezumi said. Shion shivered and huddled close as Nezumi tugged off his sweater and T-shirt, which was ice-cold and soaked and sticking to Shion's skin.

Outside, the rain gushed in hard spurts, slamming horizontally against the window. It had been raining all night, and Nezumi's shithole apartment didn't do much to keep them warm; across the room, Nezumi could hear Shion shivering. He rolled his eyes and pulled back the blanket.

"Get in," Nezumi said. Shion stared at him for only a moment before scrambling beside him for warmth.

Shion's skin was clammy, and even though Nezumi was wearing a shirt, he could feel the coldness through the fabric. Shion shivered and balled up against Nezumi's shirtfront, and Nezumi rubbed his arms and shoulders. "Why aren't you wearing a shirt?"

"All my clothes are wet," Shion said. He spoke against Nezumi's collarbone. "My other shirt got soaked washing the dogs, and all your clothes are dirty."

"Idiot," Nezumi said. "Here. Move closer."

Knees and elbows knocked into Nezumi's ribs as Shion rearranged himself into a spooning position, pulling his knees to his chest and letting Nezumi hug him from behind. Nezumi frowned, resting his chin against the top of Shion's head and stroking his arm, absently. He pulled the blankets over them both, pressing against Shion's back for warmth.

"Better?"

"Yeah," Shion said, but he was still shivering. Nezumi rolled his eyes. Wordlessly he pulled off his shirt, pressing his bare chest into Shion's back.

The shock of cold skin against his chest made Nezumi almost jump back, but eventually he felt Shion start to warm. They stayed like that for a few moments, the sound of the rain banging against the shutters. It reminded Nezumi of that first night, when Shion had thrown open his bedroom window and Nezumi had stumbled onto a miracle.

"It was like this the day we met, remember?" Shion said. Nezumi shifted, frowning. "I guess I was getting nostalgic. I wanted to feel the rain. It was probably stupid but I couldn't help it."

"There's a lot of things you can't help," Nezumi said. He brushed back a strand of wet hair from Shion's forehead. "Honestly. And you're supposed to be a genius."

"I like the rain," Shion said. He was already falling asleep.

The clock was ticking; the rain had let up enough so that Nezumi could hear it. Across the rooms, his eyes had adjusted so that he could just barely make out the shapes of shadows of the things across the room: his bookshelf, the old oil lamp and the rickety table with all his books. Shion was asleep. An hour, maybe two, had passed, and he had settled against Nezumi's body with a comfortable weight.

His hair had started to dry. Nezumi was thankful for that, because before it was cold and sticking to Nezumi's skin. Gently, Nezumi brushed back Shion's hair from the nape of his neck and let his fingers linger on Shion's spine. In the murky dark, he could just make out the pale pink skin of Shion's scar, which snaked across his neck and shoulder like an arabesque. He softly kissed the nape of Shion's neck, almost like an afterthought.

What was it about him? Stupid crybaby child genius, Shion was irritatingly useless. Nezumi had to bend over backward to keep him safe.

But there were other times, too. Times when Shion would smile or laugh or grab Nezumi by the hand, and Nezumi's heart would leap into his throat, and time would stop for a few precious moments before the feeling would break and everything would go away.

Shion's skin was warm and Nezumi kissed the nape of his neck again, closing his eyes and letting his arm drape around Shion's waist. Years of living alone had taught him that other people were unnecessary burdens, but for some reason Shion's nearness made him feel safe.

Shion stirred. Nezumi pulled back slightly.

"Nezumi?"

"Go back to sleep," Nezumi said. Shion nodded and cuddled against him, and Nezumi had that feeling again, that unfamiliar knot at the base of his throat. It wasn't enough to be just young and helpless in the middle of the slums; when word got out that Nezumi was gay, an anomaly among the drug lords and the gutter dwellers of the outskirts of the city, no one could protect him. Losing his virginity meant having his arm twisted back at twelve years old, pants ripped around his knees and the side of his face scraping the ground.

Nezumi couldn't remember a time when he was soft. When he looked at the world with nothing but hope.

Shion breathed softly, and quietly Nezumi let the tips of his fingers rest on Shion's check. If it were Shion in his position, he probably would not have survived. Shion was the very definition of soft.

_"How is it that you have this apartment?" Shion asked. He was looking out the window, tracing patterns on the fogged up glass. Nezumi frowned._

_"Money," Nezumi said. Shion blinked. "I made money."_

_"How?"_

_Nezumi looked out across the room, silently tracing a line between the rickety table and the books lining the shelf on the wall. "I let people pay me for sex," Nezumi said. He could imagine Shion's eyes widen._

_"S-sex?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Nezumi stared. It was a silent challenge. He felt Shion squirm, uncomfortably. "Do you want to know with whom?" Nezumi said. His tone was mocking. Light. "Women. Men. Mostly men, old perverts who wanted to get it on with little boys."_

_"Stop," Shion said._

_"I got two gold coins for each act," Nezumi said. "Three if they were nice."_

_"I said _stop."

_Shion squeezed his eyes. Nezumi looked at him, levelly._

_"You wanted to know about me," Nezumi said. "About my nice apartment and my nice books and my nice role as a woman for perverts who want to watch me on stage."_

_"But it isn't right," Shion said. His face was pale. "It's...it's supposed to be between people in love."_

The rain grew quiet. Gently Nezumi hitched Shion close and rested his chin against the crown of his head, remembering. Raindrops sluiced down the dirty glass, making streaks of shadows on the square patch of moonlight that had filtered inside.

_"Have you ever...done it? With someone who loves you?"_

_Nezumi's jaw tightened. Shion scooted closer._

_"I've never done it," Shion whispered. "Not with anyone. I told myself if I did it, it would be with someone I loved. Someone special."_

Until Shion, Nezumi had no one special.

He wondered idly what it would be like. Quietly he imagined himself peeling back the layers of Shion's clothes, pressing his mouth against the long scar snaking across his body. He wondered what he would feel like, if his skin was as smooth as he thought it would be, if he would cry out if he were penetrated, if he would like it deep or fast or slow.

Nezumi could feel himself growing hard, but his erection was at an uncomfortable position, trapped somewhere between Nezumi's thigh and Shion's tailbone. He wanted to reach and readjust himself, but he didn't want to wake Shion.

There was a hitch in Shion's breath, and Nezumi could feel him tense against his chest. "Nezumi?"

"I told you to go to sleep," Nezumi said, and he angled his body so that his erection wasn't pressing up against Shion's back. Quietly he readjusted himself and kept a respectful few inches between their bodies, taking care not to touch Shion accidentally.

Moments passed. The clock ticked, and Nezumi became aware of the deepening of Shion's breath. He was fairly sure he had fallen asleep again.

The space between them felt cold, and there was a dull ache in Nezumi's chest that he couldn't explain. Silently he scooted closer until his body was once again flush against Shion's back, and it wasn't until his arm was draped around Shion's waist that Nezumi could breathe easy.

The sheets were warm, and everything felt soft and languid, honey-slow and safe. Shion smelled like soap and clean skin and Nezumi half-nuzzled his neck, pressing a soft kiss on Shion's shoulder.

"I like it when you do that," Shion said, quietly.

Nezumi froze. "Shion?"

But Shion only turned and cuddled up against Nezumi's shoulder, rubbing his mouth against the side of Nezumi's neck. Nezumi stared, dumbstruck.

It took a moment for Nezumi to get his bearings, but finally he moved to kiss him again, letting his lips press against Shion's cheek with purpose. His erection throbbed and he was only a little surprised to feel Shion flush and harden against him as well.

Nezumi pulled back slightly. He licked his lips, then slowly dipped forward, gently lying Shion back and kissing him on the mouth. He felt Shion breathe hard through his nose as the kiss deepened, and Nezumi let his hands roam across Shion's back. His hands traveled from Shion's shoulder to his flank before gently sliding his hand inside the waistband of Shion's pants.

Shion gasped; Nezumi smiled, fingers closing around the length of Shion's erection. He let his thumb slip over the head of Shion's penis, spreading the wetness with the pad of his thumb around its tip.

"N-Nezumi-" Shion trembled. Wordlessly Nezumi skimmed off his pants, freeing Shion's erection and palming it in his hand.

In the dark, Nezumi couldn't see much; he could just barely make out Shion's outline. "Let me light the lamp," Nezumi said, and Shion nodded. Nezumi stumbled out of bed, fumbling for the matches before striking a flame for the lamp on the nightstand.

The orange flame flickered softly even as outside the rain grew stronger, and impulsively Nezumi leaned forward to rub his mouth against the sensitive skin below Shion's navel. Shion's breath hitched. The muscles of his abdomen tightened, and in the soft orange light Nezumi could see the shadows of each contracted muscle, each imperfection on Shion's skin. He let his fingers splay over Shion's erection, massaging him in taut bursts before taking him into his mouth.

Shion shook. He felt the muscles of Shion's legs shake, could feel Shion's toes curling as he worked him, relishing the feel of him against his tongue and the muted taste of salt.

Shion's hips jerked, and Nezumi grinned. He knew Shion wanted desperately to fuck him in the mouth.

"There's lube in the top drawer," Nezumi said. He let his head bob forward, taking Shion further in his mouth and swirling his tongue around the underside of his glans. "There's condoms too, if you want them."

"C-condoms?"

"Yeah." Nezumi liked the way Shion's cock felt, thicker and harder than he expected. He let his hand gently trace a path to the back of Shion's thigh before just barely grazing the cleft of his ass. "I'm tested, but if you're more comfortable I'll wear them."

Shion froze. "Wait," Shion said, but Nezumi kissed his navel and took his cock into his mouth again. "Wait, wait-"

"What?" Nezumi said. He could see Shion flush.

"Will...will it hurt?"

He could see it: the fear of pain edging at the corner of Shion's eyes.

_Large hands shoved his face against the mattress, one meaty thigh jack-knifing between Nezumi's legs as he wheezed for breath. It wasn't easy being the gay one in the middle of the internment camp, and Nezumi breathed hard through his nose as the pain seared through his body, an electric shock against his spine. It wasn't the first time, but he could feel himself tearing anyway, blood smearing against his thighs and the asshole's cock, which jammed uncomfortably with each thrust. _

"You'd let me?" Nezumi asked. "You'd let me do that?"

"Yeah." Shion flushed. "If you want to." His eyes flicked upward, before sliding demurely to the floor. "I want to make you feel good."

It was like a punch to the gut. He was afraid, but he was willing to go through with it-willing to do this for _him_. Nezumi swallowed. He leaned forward and kissed the side of Shion's mouth.

"Hand me the lube," Nezumi said, and Shion nodded, unscrewing the cap and about to smear it on Nezumi's erection. "No," Nezumi said. "You use it."

"What?"

"Here," Nezumi said, and he gently began to lube up Shion's cock, which rose and swelled with the stimulation. Shion gasped and looked up at Nezumi with wide wet eyes.

"It's your first time, right?" Nezumi said. Shion nodded. "Then let me do it," Nezumi said. He pressed a kiss to the side of Shion's neck, then another one at the tender hollow between his clavicles. "Lean back," Nezumi said, and Shion leaned against the bed, neck craning upwards to see him.

How many men had there been? Nezumi had begun to lose count. Sucking and fucking, either for boredom or money, sometimes both. They were few and far in between, like an occasional itch that wouldn't go away.

But with Shion it was different; his eye were wide and he kept so still as Nezumi gingerly lowered himself, stretching slowly around Shion's cock. The fullness was taut and uncomfortable, but Nezumi knew if he were the one to penetrate Shion, the kid would not be able to stand it. Nezumi didn't want Shion to feel pain. Not for his first time.

"Does...does it hurt?" Shion's eyes were wide and his face was flushed. "Nezumi?"

"It's fine," Nezumi said. The muscles of his thighs shook with the effort not to suddenly jam himself too hard on Shion's cock; he felt his knees caving into the mattress.

"Nezumi?"

"Dammit, don't _move_."

It was a point of pride that Nezumi was the one taking this. If he had his way, he'd be the one pounding Shion hard into the floorboards. If he wasn't so sure the kid would break in half, that is. Finally his muscles relaxed and Nezumi slid gratefully downward, feeling Shion's length and the thickness of it, reaching that sweet spot that made Nezumi throb against Shion's stomach.

Nezumi moved. Slowly, setting up a steady rhythm. The sound of flesh slapping softly against flesh filled the room.

Shion's face was flushed and his mouth was slack; his head fell against Nezumi's chest as Nezumi rocked, panting and leaning forward against Shion's shoulders.

Funny, Nezumi thought. How even though Shion was the one technically penetrating him, he still seemed womanly, soft. Shion's eyes fluttered and his breath came out in soft, furtive spurts, and his light hair fell over his eyes the way a woman's hair did, tangled and sticking to flushed damp skin. Shion was beautiful. Not like those other men, men whose breath came out in harsh sick grunts, piggy fat fingers digging into the flesh of Nezumi's bicep as they fucked him. Nezumi learned quickly not to struggle; it only prolonged things. He held his breath as the sour sick stench of their bodies coated him. Nezumi the fag. Nezumi the girly man, pretty as Eve and super fuckable too. Nezumi learned to fight then, learned how a fist could crack _just so _against an asshole's jaw.

And how could he explain it to Shion? The humiliation, how his cock throbbed under the weight of his body shoved up against the mattress, how, even in the middle of everything, fat assholes plowing into him, how he would grind his pelvis against the bed, trying to get release even as he knew they would beat him all the worse for it? And how could he explain what it was like, when they finally sputtered and came, how it was a mixture of relief and disappointment, because it was over and because he didn't come.

It was a lonely feeling. An empty feeling. It was one of the many reasons why Nezumi didn't bother being with people at all.

"Nezumi." Shion's eyes opened. "Nezumi you're crying."

"Wha-?" Nezumi lifted a hand and touched his face.

"Are you okay?" Shion asked.

"Don't be stupid," Nezumi said, and he rocked harder, jamming himself against Shion's cock. Shion gasped; the sensation was too much.

When Shion finally came, Nezumi let himself drop his weight against Shion's chest; of the two of them, Shion was smaller and more slightly built. But it didn't matter. Reflexively he let his hand snake between his legs, touching himself almost as an afterthought.

Shion moved. He pulled himself upright by Nezumi's shoulders and kissed him, pressing kisses against his mouth and the sides of his face until Nezumi came in harsh, uneven spurts.

The lamplight flickered. It was cold in the room but Nezumi felt warm and good and just barely mustered up the energy to drag himself into the shower, at Shion's insistence.

The sheets were warm and Shion squirmed against him, pressing sloppy kisses to his face and neck. When he finally fell asleep, Nezumi let his hand rest on Shion's head, watching silently as the rain began to clear.

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><p><strong>AN: So I realize Nezumi is the big bad seme in the series, but I like it when the little one tops. Makes things more interesting IMO XD**


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